The full name of Groucho Marx is Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx. He was an American comedian, actor, writer, stage, film, radio, and television star. Here we have shared Groucho Marx quotes on happiness, reality, age, politics, one-liners, principles, club, cigar, inspirational, and motivational.
Groucho Marx was born on October 2, 1890, in New York, New York, United States, and died on August 19, 1977, Cedars-Sinai Medical Records Office, Los Angeles, California, United States. His father’s name Sam “Frenchie” Marx and his mother’s name Minnie Schonberg. His wife’s name Ruth Johnson (m. 1920; div. 1942), Kay Marvis Gorcey (m. 1945; div. 1951), Eden Hartford (m. 1954; div. 1969).
Groucho Marx quotes
“I wish to be cremated. One-tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.” – Groucho Marx
“There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he’s crooked.” – Groucho Marx
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.” – Groucho Marx
“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.” – Groucho Marx
“Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can’t make head nor tail out of it.” – Groucho Marx
“Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.” – Groucho Marx
“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
“I intend to live forever, or die trying.” – Groucho Marx
“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” – Groucho Marx
“Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.” – Groucho Marx
“If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.” – Groucho Marx
“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” – Groucho Marx
“I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.” – Groucho Marx
“Women should be obscene and not heard.” – Groucho Marx
“A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.” – Groucho Marx
“I must confess, I was born at a very early age.” – Groucho Marx
“If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.” – Groucho Marx
“I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.” – Groucho Marx
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
“My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.” – Groucho Marx
“I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn’t have a tape measure” – Groucho Marx
“Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… Now you tell me what you know.” – Groucho Marx
“I’m giving you 30 days to live.” – Groucho Marx
“I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.” – Groucho Marx
“Do you mind if I don’t smoke?” – Groucho Marx
“I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine – we were both crazy about girls.” – Groucho Marx
“Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.” – Groucho Marx
“I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.” – Groucho Marx
“One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.” – Groucho Marx
“Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.” – Groucho Marx
“Remember men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honor; which is probably more than she ever did.” – Groucho Marx
“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men — the other 999 follow women.” – Groucho Marx
“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.” – Groucho Marx
“Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?” – Groucho Marx
“I would horsewhip you if I had a horse” – Groucho Marx
“Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
“Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.” – Groucho Marx
“Quote me as saying I was misquoted.” – Groucho Marx
“My favorite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.” – Groucho Marx
“A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.” – Groucho Marx
“There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one’s fellow man.” – Groucho Marx
“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.” – Groucho Marx
“Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.” – Groucho Marx
“Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.” – Groucho Marx
“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does” – Groucho Marx
“Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.” – Groucho Marx
“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.” – Groucho Marx
“Before I speak, I have something important to say.” – Groucho Marx
“I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.” – Groucho Marx
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” – Groucho Marx
“In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.” – Groucho Marx
“She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.” – Groucho Marx
“I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.” – Groucho Marx
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
“Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed” – Groucho Marx
“When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch’s statement that the elder Cato began at the age of eighty to learn Greek. I am amazed no longer. Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long.” – Groucho Marx
“Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.” – Groucho Marx
“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.” – Groucho Marx
“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” – Groucho Marx
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx
“I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are” – Groucho Marx
“I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.” – Groucho Marx
“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.” – Groucho Marx
“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” – Groucho Marx
“Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!” – Groucho Marx
“Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?” – Groucho Marx
“I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” – Groucho Marx
“I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.” – Groucho Marx
“I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.” – Groucho Marx
“I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.” – Groucho Marx
“Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.” – Groucho Marx
“I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.” – Groucho Marx
“I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.” – Groucho Marx
“It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.” – Groucho Marx
“Go, and never darken my towels again.” – Groucho Marx
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx
“I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.” – Groucho Marx
“Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.” – Groucho Marx
“I’ve got the brain of a four-year-old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.” – Groucho Marx
“There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, “Yes,” you know he is a crook.” – Groucho Marx
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